Here are some funny quotes you may enjoy:

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
-- Roseanne Barr
I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: "Hello, goodbye, and I'm pregnant.
-- Dean Martin
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for
sex.
-- Bill Maher
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding (Tom Jones, 1749)
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-- Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."
-- Mitch Hedberg